So Close
by fugoukakusha
Summary: Usagi reflects on her feelings about Mamoru after the defeat of Metallia and she was the only one who could remember..One-shot story.


I've written this when I was listening to the music "So Close". I have no idea why I wrote it and I don't even know if it'll make sense to you guys but hey, happy reading anyway! J

_**So Close….**_

I looked up as I felt the snow on my face. _Oh, it's snowing_. I thought as I hugged my coat closer to my body…

It's been months since the defeat of Metallia. It's been months since I've seen my friends again… since I've seen _you_ again. As much as it hurt me to not see you, it was for the best. After all, you've died for me many times over and I didn't think I could bear that if it were to happen again.

_It's all right. I'll be fine._

Just as that thought registered in my mind, there you were. I bowed my head and put my hood even lower to my face so I could observe you and not be obvious by it. Ever since, I have stopped going to the arcade because I knew you were always there. I was content just to observe you from afar. In some way, I was hoping that you kept going back there just to look for me… But every time I saw you leaving with a smile on your face, I knew I wasn't the reason… After all, you didn't know me anymore. You didn't even know I existed…

A small tear escaped and I angrily brushed it away.

_Stop feeling sorry for yourself, Usagi. This is what you want, isn't it?_

Yes it was. But did it have to hurt so damn much? I sighed and started walking away. It was time to keep distance between us again. If he saw me, he might think I was stalking him…

I managed to drag myself to home, seeing Luna there waiting for me in my room.

"Oh, hi Luna." I said so softly. Luna looked up at me with sad eyes. I never knew a cat could evoke such emotions as well.

"Usagi…" Luna started, but she might have seen something in my eyes for she smiled and said "How was your walk?"

I returned the smile although it seemed it hurt my face just to smile even a little. When was the last time I did that? "It was fine, Luna. It's snowing…" I said as an afterthought.

I went to sit beside the window and watched as the snow kept falling. Luna trudged beside me and climbed over to my lap.

"That's good. You've always loved the snow." She said, apparently trying to cheer me up.

"Hm." I just murmured in response and absently started stroking her fur. I could see her studying my face when I didn't say anything further. Then she sighed and rested her chin on my hand.

I smiled a little and kept my attention back to the snow. What was it about snow that fascinated me so much?

The next day, I found myself standing in front of the arcade for some reason. What compelled me to do this I had no idea but somehow I couldn't seem to move either. I just stared at the tinted door, unseeing, barely breathing.

"Usagi!"

I gasped silently as I heard my name called. For a moment, my heart started beating so fast, thinking that it might be you… that somehow you recognized me. I looked up so slowly and I literally felt my heart came crushing down to my chest with a painful thud.

"Mo-Motoki." I tried to greet my friend but somehow a smile couldn't grace my face.

He looked at me with concern and studied me for a minute. I tried really hard to force a smile and to my relief I must have been smiling for he returned the smile and hugged me.

"How are you? It's been so long since I've last seen you. You never came here anymore. I thought for a moment there that you were mad at me or something." He laughed a little and studied me again for my reaction.

"Yes. It's good to see you again." The words sounded so force even to my ears. Bless Motoki for ignoring it and tried to remain cheerful.

"Come. I'll make you your favourite food and it's on the house." He winked at me and started walking away.

I was about to follow him when I saw him right then. He was sitting behind the counter, completely unaware of my presence. My heart seemed to have stopped and found myself unable to breathe. My eyes just couldn't seem to stop looking at him. Luckily, he wasn't looking at my way or else he would have seen many emotions dancing in my eyes.

_He's so close… _I thought, and yet so far. With that thought, all the memories of times we've been together flashed before me and I couldn't help but swallowed my sob. I knew then that tears were running down on my face and I must have looked foolish standing and crying there.

I sobbed silently and buried my face in my hands, memories overwhelming me to no end.

"Are you okay, Miss?" A gentle voice brought me back to reality and I knew that it was him who had spoken.

I looked up and saw his concern blue eyes gazing down at me with such gentleness.

_He's so close… All I want is for him to reach out to me and hold me close to his heart…_

_Oh, god Mamo-chan. I've missed you! _For a moment I thought I'd uttered the words loudly but seeing as he was still looking at me with concern instead of shock I knew I didn't. I was about to say it out loud and consequences be damned but found that my voice seemed to have clogged up. I squeezed my eyes shut to try to get rid of the pain…

Only to open them up again this time with shock when I felt his oh, gentle hand on my cheek. A sob came out from me instead when I felt him brushed my tears away, all the while murmuring that it would be all right. That _I _would be all right…

I couldn't take it anymore. I ran past the door and started running away from him. Away from everything. My mind just barely registered on the shock that graced his face when I ran away from him.

On what seemed like forever, I found myself back in my room. I flopped down on my bed and sobbed my heart out. I've only been crying for a minute when I felt something nudged my arm. I knew it was Luna trying to comfort me and I relished her closeness. I hugged her to my chest tightly and kept crying, letting out everything that I've been holding since I saw him. Oh why did he have to be so gentle and kind? Why couldn't he have just mocked me like when he used to the very first time we met? I could have handled that fine but his gentleness I couldn't. All I wanted to do was to just rush back into his arms, wanted to feel them wrapped around me, telling me that it would be all right… that we would be all right… that _I_ would be all right…

_All I want… is to hold him… and to hold me… so close…_

"You can bring him back Usagi. You can bring them all back…" Luna murmured.

"No!" I said almost violently. I pushed away from the bed and went to stand beside the window again. What was it about snow that fascinated me so much?

"I can't, Luna. They've died for me. _He_ died for me. What if I can't bring them all back next time? I can't bear the thought of them sacrificing themselves for me. Me, a klutzy, crybaby. It's not worth it. _I'm_ not worth it. Who am I to decide and play their fate like that? I am nothing. I am no one. It is beyond my comprehension as to why they had sacrificed themselves just like that without the thought of their own lives! They are better off not knowing about their past. They are better off not knowing about me! I bring them nothing but pain." I shouted, almost scaring Luna. Luna just looked at me with that sad eyes of hers and to look at it, to look at her just bring more tears and sadness in me.

"How can I continue to keep on living knowing that they'd do it over and over again if given the chance? How can I ever forgive myself…" I whispered, looking down, unable to look at Luna's eyes anymore.

Luna jumped in front of me and I deftly caught her. She placed a paw on my heart and looked directly in my eyes.

"Usagi… there is nothing to forgive… Nothing!" She put a paw on my cheek just as I was about to turn away. "There is nothing to forgive… But… learn to listen to your heart just so you may find peace." She said as she put her paw back on my heart to emphasize her point.

For the first time in a long, long time, a genuine smile graced my face as I leaned closer to rest my forehead against hers. "I will, Luna." Satisfied with my answer, she nuzzled my chin and started purring…

_Oh, look… it's snowing._


End file.
